Audrey: Timing is everything.

Audrey and Ainsley

"Let yourself move to the next chapter when the time comes. Don't remain on the same page."

In a previous blog I wrote about the magic of timing so not to repeat that blog I want to reiterate my beliefs and love of timing. I came across the above quote while mindlessly scrolling through twitter. In a different part of my life I may have over looked the significance of this saying yet I could not have read it at a better time.

Some may already know but after leaving South Africa a few of us decided to travel Europe. now two months ago this seemed like the best idea I could ever have but two weeks approaching the trip I was dreading every single minute of the trip. In my mind it was either I stay In Cape Town or I go home to wallow in the fact that I was no longer in South Africa. But ging into things with such a negative attitude is not normally my style as I am a firm believer in mind over matter so while flying to London I attempted to fill my mind with many positive thoughts and why it was a good idea to do a two week stay in Europe. For the first couple days this worked but as time went on I found myself comparing everything to ZA and how South Africa is ten times better. If that doesn't sound like a way to put a damper on a trip I don't know what does.

I realized that this approach to the trip was not going to make it any better; I was having a great time and I was seeing many beautiful things they were just different. But what's wrong with different? Isn't this what I was learning all semester. Nothing is wrong with different. 

So lesson number one I learned from this trip is that it is okay to recognize the difference between places but it is don't okay to believe that one place is better than another. Every place has a different history, atmosphere/environment and demography that causes it to be the way it is. 

Lesson number two is that living in the past and wallowing about not being there anymore is going to hurt me much more than it will help me. So yes I have the right to love South Africa, to cherish every memory made, person met and lesson learned but I do not have the right to believe that I will never have an experience like it ever again.

So am I happy I went to Europe? Absolutely yes. I had ten days to spend with my aunt learning and experiencing a new culture. I had time to reflect on my experience in Cape Town. I had time to recognize what may be my challenges when back in the US. Europe was the perfect cushion before going back to my life in the US. 

Timing is everything. 

Ainsley, Audrey, & JR travel on . . .

Following their time in Cape Town, Audrey, JR and Ainsley went to Europe on their way home.  Ainsley sent the following email that tells a bit about how their Cape Town experiences continued to influence their choices:

Audrey, JR and I made it through London and now to Geneva safely but wanted to let you know that we're still using our Cape Town knowledge here. While walking around London on Sunday we found a rally to commemorate the ten year anniversary of the civil war in Sudan and the Darfur crisis. Also, nothing made us quite miss Cape Town as much as seeing an advertisement for a Shakespeare play from a South African troop done completely in isiXhosa, Afrikaans and about 4 other South African languages.

Audrey: infinite, serene, and calm

Infinite, serene, calm and everything makes sense. This describes the state of mind I was in while hanging by a rope from 216-meter high bridge. It is hard to explain the feeling that overwhelmed my body a second after I dove into the air yet it is very easy to explain the way it has left me feeling. Actually the way I felt after I got pulled back up on the bridge I am beginning to have very similar feelings with my time here in Cape Town ending.

Audrey is capturing the feelings

Today marks the last of the lasts; from here on out each day is my last day of that week here in Cape Town. How on earth is that possible? It seems like I just arrived and it seems like I just got my footing here. Yet at the same time it seems like I am returning back to the states in a new state of mind. Every experience I have participated while in South Africa has been a less extreme version of bungee jumping. Many times I was nervous and antsy but two seconds into partaking in whatever event it may have been I feel immediately calm and ready to experience it all for what it is. This has allowed me to be less afraid of doing new things and also less afraid of the outcome that may follow. I have learned that with every chance you take, as long as it is a smart chance well as smart as some chances can be, if you approach with a positive mindset the outcome can only be thought of as positive. Even if it is a terrible outcome there is always something good or a lesson that can be learned from each chance and experience.

I feel with every lesson learned and every chance taken it has allowed me to leave Cape Town feeling at ease, with a new sense of self and with the capability of accomplishing whatever I set my mind to. I would not have accomplished this without the support from my family, friends and educators. I leave Cape Town more grateful than I have ever been. Before leaving for South Africa I read Perks of Being a Wallflower the main character wrote, “And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” And I can honestly say that is how I feel leaving Cape Town and hope this will continue when back in the United States.

So farewell to Cape Town, to the amazing people I met, to the mountain, to the minibuses, to my students, to feeling at home.

Audrey bidding farewell to this place she's called home.

Audrey: I believe!!!

Every time I go to start a blog I notice all of my thoughts blending and changing that I become unable to form one specific thing I would like to write about. It seemed like in the beginning of the semester it was so easy to think about something to write about and now I cannot do it without feeling like I am displaying all of my emotions, confusion and thoughts. Maybe I was writing to just get it done, or maybe I was actually about to focus on a thought without thinking about every other thing that causes me to think the way I am. Even in this explanation on how I am unable to write a blog I cannot even stay on focus. So I apologize while you're reading my lost few blogs if it seems choppy and not fully thought out.

To make a possible negative into a positive, I believe that this characteristic of mine has led me to my love for conversation. I find myself every day getting myself lost in conversation with a friend, colleague, acquaintance or a complete stranger. Our conversations jump from subject to subject in a very natural flow, something I struggle to do in my writing. I have noticed that the idea of and the act of conversing is something I love. I believe that through conversing you are able to learn so much about the world, a person, a community, a law, myself and even how to open my mind to new ideas. During this trip I have opened up to so many new people and have not feared meeting new people because I look to them now as a source of information rather than a stranger.

This past weekend I bought a necklace to represent humility that means the want to gain insight and knowledge, which leads to wisdom. 

Audrey finding inspiration in the hope and innovation she encounters

I may have written this before but it never seizes to amaze me how innovative a lot of people here are. I actually think I wrote about this in my first blog post ever. Yet every time I notice a new way a person used such a simple object to create something so brilliant blows my mind more and more. What reminded me of the brilliance of these people was when our group was at Constitution Hill in Johannesburg, SouthAfrica. While we were touring the jail cells called Block 4 we came across one of the cells remade to replicate the look of the cell itself when there were prisoners occupying it. The first thing I noticed was a couch made out of blankets confused on why this would be in a cell, I read the plaque above it. I got the understanding that these prisoners were given one blanket when he was imprisoned, with that blanket the man was suppose to keep himself warm through the cold winters and sleep comfortably on a concrete floor. These men chose to use these blankets in so many different ways and this is why there was a couch made out of blankets. On Sundays they would make the couches to make the cells become as ‘homey’ as a room with bare, concrete, cold walls and floor can feel.

I am not just amazed at how inventive they become but also how they treat their hardships. These men were treated like animals in those prisons, but instead of dwelling in their situation and misfortune these men chose to cherish the moments they did have to make the circumstances a bit better or as good as it can get. This is not just done in the prison; I see it every day with my students, at marches, at my activist project, driving through townships.

I see a stick, my students see so much more. I see an empty jar; others see a vase, cup, and storage. I see a bad situation, others see the positive and lesson from the situation. I see something that is impossible to be changed; the people at marches see the hope within the possibility in change.

I wish I could tell all of these people how much I admire them, for being strong, positive and hopeful when I fear I would allow all the hardships they experience every day to conquer my life and take all of my fight out of me. But instead I will keep them in the back of my mind at all times to remind myself to approach every situation and issue with a positive and strong outlook. 

Audrey on Independence (in various forms)

Independence. What does to be independent mean to you? It seems like for me my definition of independence has changed every single year. First it was when my mom finally let me ride my bike around the block without anyone else, that led to me falling multiple times but slowly learned to ride without always falling, soon I was a pro in my mind. Next it was when my mom finally let me go to the mall without any parents, that to led to some mistakes maybe even a bit mischievous acts, well as mischievous as I can get. I slowly learned who were the right people to spend my independent time with and who would lead me to the right choices rather than the wrong. Then I became 16 and became THE coolest girl around and could drive. Oh how I was independent. My parents could have no idea where I was I was truly free. Yet that’s funny because I soon learned my mom absolutely knows everything is, there is no way to try to fool her. As my decisions were very much guided by if I would get in trouble with my mom or not. Not so independent yet it was a step towards it. Finally college came and I would be the most independent girl around, again giggles and chuckles are allowed here. At this point I was making the right choices not because of my moms ever lurking wagging finger but because at this point I do know what good and bad choices look like. But now independence came in a different form it was still a physical independence but slowly I was feeling a mental independence as well. I was beginning to make choices based off what I truly wanted rather than the people around me and because a completely unfamiliar physical location I was able to form independent thoughts without the constant nagging of an outsider.

But independence here is so different. I have learned while being here in Cape Town that independence comes in so many more forms than just two. This trip has been a roller coaster, one day I may feel completely dependent and another day very independent. I have allowed my brain to be free from others beliefs and others implantations which has given me mental freedom. For the first time in my life I have been in an area that not one person I know has been ultimately causing for me to form my own opinions and life styles without the implications of others, this to me has been my most truest physical freedom. And then there is financial independence and that just should have a big laugh. I am nowhere near close to this and I am lucky I have such amazing parents who still fully support me throughout this adventures in my life.

As my life has continued my independence has grown more and more so with time I believe, actually I hope, pray, anticipate, full financial independence. Yet I am happy where I am, I feel free from others opinions and allowed to form and think my own thoughts.

~ To find yourself, think for yourself. ~ Socrates

Audrey learning the expressions and manerisms

Is it? Oh she’s being cheeky. Thank makes me crossed. How’s it? Nice. Keen. Nice.

If only you could hear how I sounded when saying these words and phrases. Even better hear every single South African say them. When I first arrived here in Cape Town I was a bit lost with what people were trying to say to me. I started to look like a bobble head, just constantly shaking my head to infer yes with a giddy smile on my face. Now picture me doing this 24/7, it was definitely a scene. Could you imagine if I went to a country where English isn’t even spoken frequently? It would have been a problem.

During the first month I was experiencing so many different accents and so many different levels of ability to speak English that I began to believe I was never going to be able to communicate on a strong level with these people. It scared me. I came to this country to learn people’s stories and this communication barrier was not going to allow me to do this.

But as the weeks went on my tendency to look like a bobble head became less and less and communication between South Africans grew more and more. I even caught myself the other day saying, ‘how’s it’ to a friend back home. Respectfully so her response was ‘what’ with many question marks, most likely what my response would have been just a month ago.

I enjoy noticing my change of mannerisms. But also find it very interesting that in such a short exposure a person’s mannerism can change so quickly. I am looking forward to noticing when my mannerisms will change back when I arrive home.

Cheers.

Audrey on "timing is everything"

As I am sitting here pondering what on earth I would write my blog post about this week, the teacher I have been working with for six weeks now, Ms. Rene stated to me, “If you are exposed to something long enough you will get use to it.” Talk about timing.

Timing is everything. I have always known this, yet have been reassured of it multiple times in South Africa. It seems like every time I think something here, such as my safety is secure I am reminded immediately that it is always important to be aware of my surroundings. Or every time I believe that this country is stricken by poverty and it is a misfortune to so many, I spend time with an amazing South African who restores my confidence in the possibilities of change. It seems like time has been in my favor.

Yesterday though was a different reminder that timing is everything. Throughout the entire day I was planning on going to Main Road to grocery shop and complete some schoolwork at a café. This was my plan leaving Christel House up until we were dropping off the first house and about to make my way to Main Road when I decided the heat had gotten the best of me and there would be absolutely no way I could stand being in jeans any longer causing me to take my ride back to the house. The minute I got home I set my intentions to change into my bathing suit and jump in the pool my mood became even more enthused when I walk in the back when a lot of my housemates were too sitting by the pool relaxing. As I walked to my room my phone vibrated I looked down and saw an email with a headline along the lines of “Ph.D Neag School of Education.” The email I have been waiting for for almost three months now. My heart dropped. Another housemate was talking to me but I could not tell you what on earth he was saying to me. As I began reading, “I wish to extend…” Oh god where is this going, my heart dropped lower and my hands began to shake. “…my sincerest…” Stomach drops now. “…congratulations on your SELECTION FOR ADMISSION….” I GOT IN! I slowly began to tell Ethan about the news and suddenly everyone knew and was immediately congratulating me. Just ten minute ago I was planning on spending my afternoon alone meaning I would be finding out this news by myself. But within a split second decision I was home and able to celebrate it with the people I enjoy the most and experience excitement and shock with the most understanding people ever. Although my reaction was probably not what I would have expected three months ago, I was still excited and was very appreciative that I had these people to commemorate this moment with..

Audrey with her awesome housemates: Sharon, Ethan, Patrick, Carl, Anna, JR & Ainsley

So this blog post was not in intentions to write about Neag or even timing. But as this entire post is about timing I believe there is a reason why Ms. Rene said this statement to me. 

Audrey: progress comes with hard work

“Progress does not come on the wheels of waiting, progress comes with hard work.” Vincent stated an abridge version of this quote while wrapping up our weekend at Goegetasch Farm. After a long and mentally straining weekend this may have been the best thing he could have said. Although I found this weekend to be rewarding and useful throughout the weekend I had many different thoughts throughout.

           

Starting off on Friday I was tired and unprepared to be surrounded by sixty other people for 48 hours, my excitement for the weekend was very little. The setback of the bus being late and the antsy behavior of every other person did not help me but the minute the members of Africa Unites stepped on the bus I felt the atmosphere and my mind set change. With in the first few moments a woman turned towards me and began talking about her life and my interest for knowing and learning others stories struck immediately. When I arrived on the farm I was intrigued to meet other people as well.

           

But then the first activity came up and my interest for the weekend began to dwindle. It seemed as if no one wanted to agree and there was no way we could agree, something I should be use to by now. Although I left the activity a bit annoyed and unsettled because we could not agree upon an agreement I reminded myself that this is probably the point of the activity. I began to understand why there are so many human rights issues unsolved throughout the world.  

           

This continued to be my overall realization throughout the weekend. Human beings can NOT agree on anything. At times this made me feel powerless, pointless and just plain out tired. Human rights seems like a simple job to many outsiders but this allowed me to understand that it is far from glamorous career and like many other career leaves you wanting to rip your hair out.

           

On Saturday I began to notice I wasn’t connecting with the others the way I would have liked to. To change this I started to put myself in situations that I would be the only UConn student, although sometimes uncomfortable it always led to fascinating conversations. But the most interesting aspect of my weekend was when I was asked if I was mixed. This question confused me at first so I asked the person what she meant; she then explained that she was Xhosa and Zulu. I then began to explain to here that we refer to our ancestry/heritages back in the state to identify ourselves and proceeded to explain that I was Irish and Italian. In the midst of saying I was Italian she raised her voice in excitement and said, “I knew it.” I had no idea what she was talking about I was already a bit shocked that I was asked if I was mixed and now she was in awe that I had two different heritages. I asked her why this was such an intriguing fact. And then the most surprising thing came next. She started to explain to me that I had strong eyes and that was because I was mixed. Although I am still confused on why my strong eyes would come from being mixed, I found it a compliment. At the same time I realized that people truly do recognize with their race and heritages here so much and allow it to identify themselves.

           

Yeah this trip made me rip my hair out. Yeah this trip tired me out. Yeah this trip made me feel helpless at times. This trip was one of the most enlightening conferences I have ever attended. No longer all the beauty isn’t being shown and each week the poverty and hardships of this country grow in my perspective. 

Audrey: reflections from Lion's Head

Avery, Vara, Carl and Audrey on Lion's Head

“Set your dreams where nobodies are…”

Imagine listening to these lyrics while sitting on rock on top of a mountain looking over the city you live in.  This was my life nearly an hour ago. It is a bit surreal to think less than two months ago I was sitting in my living room at home fighting the flu and nervously a waiting my departure to Cape Town and in two months I will be sitting back in my living room, god knows doing what. Everyone said it was going to fly by, it’s the classic line that you hear every time you are starting a new adventure in your life and every single time I disregard the statement.  And every single time with no doubt when the end is nearing I realize that yet again they were right and I was silly for not listening and I soon will be the person telling the next adventurers the same exact thing. My intentions was not for this blog post to talk about the time coming to an end because in reality I still have two months here but it is scary to think I have been here nearly six weeks. Luckily it is reminder to keep all my goals in mind and continue accomplishing them.

But back to the serene site I saw today. Everyone who has visited Cape Town told me it was a must to hike Lion’s Head on the full moon and for the first I listened to their advice. I cannot be happier about it. The most miraculous thing to me was the amount of people that come together to see such a normal thing but commemorate it like it is a rare event. Then while you’re enjoying the company of others you realize you are capable of watching the sunset completely and the moonrise all from one spot. It seemed to me that every color was encompassed in this event within a matter of an hour from reds and greens and yellows to blues and black. It makes you feel unbounded; like you can choose any path in life, do anything you ever wanted and it will all work out. A feeling that is hard to shake off after having. It seems as if this is also a reoccurring feeling while here in Cape Town that has allowed me to grow mentally, socially, academically and professionally. It has shown me that it is okay to stray off the path I have made myself. Although still a scary thought and something I will continue to think about I believe that my time here in Cape Town has allowed me to continue my search in a simple and non-rushed way. The feeling a limitless will now forever be represented by my time on Lion’s Head.

As the song ended with…

“There’s no end, there is no goodbye.

On Lion's Head at full moon Audrey gazes out into forever

Audrey from Monday Blues to smiles

The Monday blues. After such an amazing weekend filled with a lot of shopping and beautiful sites, I rolled out of bed this morning with little energy and absolutely no want to begin my day. I would say I had a big helping of the Monday blues. For the first time since I began my internship I was not excited to go in and see my students. This possibly came with the fear that this week my teacher was not going to be in and it was planned that I would basically run the class with the over sight of the substitute. Now don’t get me wrong I love to work with students but the more I have to teach the more I realize that I am no where near prepared to be a teacher. I am still in the stage of my life that I would love to be the friend rather than the authority. I understand that there is a possible balance between the two but I have been unable to find it. So how was I going to teach these students when I don’t even take myself seriously?

But as I walked into the classroom and watched all the smiles form on my students face reminded me why I enjoy working with students so much and my Monday blues slowly drifted away. I was able to get them to do their normal tasks in an orderly, calm manner something I have yet to succeed with them without my teachers help. During the break I was still able to hang out with them and laugh with everyone but as the break neared the end I drifted back to the classroom to make sure I would be able to greet them at the door to keep them in order when they arrived at the classroom. Everyday I question my ability to actually teach or if it is the right career for me and everyday I spend with my students even if it is the tiniest thing I am reminded why.

I ended my day at Christel House preparing my students to write their final draft of their first letter to be sent out to Meriden, CT next week. The excitement that arose when I told them we would be finally sending the letters out next week was my reminder today.

~ Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it ~ Michael Jordan

Audrey "at ease"

Audrey learning to be "at ease"

At ease. Describes my mood since I’ve been here in Cape Town. Now don’t get me wrong I have had my moments of angst but an hour later that stomach-curling feeling is gone and I am at ease once again.

But why? It has never taken this short of time for me to feel so comfortable in place. I have tried to figure this out have come across so many possible answers that I have not been able to narrow it down.

           

It could be the mindset of this city. Every day I get to my internship I am told, not asked, told to go get a cup of tea. Including my morning tea I am also told throughout the day to take a break, I have never experienced this laid back way of work in my life. This approach of life allows me to put the brakes on my normal hectic pace of life. If you know me I tend to be always on the move, filling empty time with anything because I do not like to just sit. Just sitting use to make me feel unproductive but as my time continues in Cape Town I have realized that just sitting for a respectable amount of time allows you to be more productive with the tasks that need to be done. Giving myself time to sit and reflect about the events of my day allows me to now approach the same thing possibly in a different way maybe even in a better way.

           

Although I am not certain why I feel so at ease in this country, I am not upset about it and I hope that this mind set and feeling will continue on when I return to the states.